Life feels weird right now.

For the past few days I haven't done too much at all.  Of course, everyone takes a few days off of training after the Regionals.  It's good for us.

I wasn't hit with a ton of bricks after the final workout at the Regionals.  You know?  When it was "official" that I didn't qualify.  I knew after my TOTAL screw-up on Event #1 that it was going to be a fight to come back.  And I DEFINITELY don't want this post to be a list of excuses for why Events 1 and 4 didn't go my way.....

To be honest, I am hoping this blog post will help me actually release the feelings that I have yet to really express (even to myself) since Sunday afternoon.

So, let's go through this.....

After Event 1, I was pretty upset.  My time was a full minute slower than I had done the same workout just days before.  I got amped up.  I screwed myself by not staying calm...no reps followed.  When I saw 21st place...I knew I was in trouble.  I also knew I had a choice.

 I needed to remember WHY I was there in the first place.  Yes, it was to qualify....but WHY??

In the past I thought qualifying would make me more "likeable" or more "important" for some reason.   I realized after last year's Regional that I didn't need to qualify for the Games for people to take me seriously in the CrossFit community.

This year, CrossFit competition has had a different meaning for me.  It has been 100% for ME. 

I told my husband just the day before Regionals started that, if nothing else, I wanted to have an experience that would change me as a person.  I have worked SO HARD for SO LONG, and have sacrificed a lot in training for the Games.  I wanted to experience something that would "show me what is possible if you put THIS MUCH WORK in".  I wanted to have an experience I could share about dedication to my future children.  I wanted a memory I could always go back to and lean on when I need to show the same commitment and drive during other times of my life.

I thought what that meant was....that I need to qualify....to prove to myself that I could do it.  I was wrong.

After Event 1 I could choose to be sad...or to fight.  I decided to FIGHT.  Sure, I was fighting to hopefully still qualify for the Games.  But, I decided to forget about the end of the weekend and just fight for each individual event.   I decided not to worry too much about the leaderboard, but to treat each event like it was the only one that mattered.

I could have allowed myself to get defeated after my crappy first event, but I chose not to.  What would I learn from that?  Instead...I fought my way to 4 top 4 finishes.  A time in the dumbbell workout that still shocks me to this moment.  Hitting 150# on the snatch ladder, tying my all time PR.  A split time on the first couplet on Event #6 of 4:35 matching Julie Foucher, and allowing me to finish 4th without even being in the Final heat!! 

Since the competition has ended I have gone back and crunched #s...what would I have had to do to make it.  What would I have had to get on Event #1...on Event #4????  What I found, I am SO GLAD I didn't know then.

Even if I had gotten the 4:25 Diane time that I got a few days before, I still would have had to finish 1st or 2nd in event #4 to go to the Games!!  WHAT?!  Event 4 was the one I was most nervous about going in and I was hoping to just be top 10!!!

Had I known that, I don't know that I could have, or would have, performed as well over the course of the other events.  I would have put too much pressure on myself and would have been thinking ahead to other events.  So, I guess the lesson learned here is.....

We only have control over this moment.  In CrossFit that could be THIS workout, THIS REP!!  It does us NO good to look back or to worry about looking forward.  And, at the end of the day if we did EVERYTHING we could in each of those moments...the outcome will be spectacular.

In the end, I got what I came for.  Because I didn't look forward or back...I was able to push myself to a place that I hadn't gone before.  I never knew something could hurt as bad as where I took myself on the final event.  But, I did it to prove to MYSELF that I am not a quitter.  That's another lesson.  Even if the desired outcome looks like it's not going to happen, don't give up the FIGHT!  I was still able to show everyone, and MYSELF, what I was made of...what I had worked so hard for.

""When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, " I used everything you gave me."" -Erma Bombeck

NO EXCUSES.....

AND NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT....

I WANT THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING.

As I get ready to compete in the 2012 Reebok CrossFit Games NorCal Regional this weekend all I can think about is how I am ready.  There is NOTHING over the course of the past year that I could have done more, nothing I would change.

How I place and how I perform this weekend is 100% me.  I have no excuses.  

In 2009- I was injured and couldn't compete.

In 2010 - I was cocky....straight up...and got my butt kicked.

In 2011 - I was where I needed to be but didn't believe in myself.  My travel schedule also made my recovery and my training volume suffer.

Now...this year....2012... I am ready.

I have been working with the BEST coach possible.  Speal is my close friend who knows me...he has pushed me and made me do things I would have never done on my own.  I will never be able to express the gratitude I have for him.  Tack on the help I have gotten from Jason Khalipa and Neal Maddox over the past 3 months and you have a completely different athlete.  I needed them to help me adjust my attitude and it has made a world of difference.

My travel schedule is under control.  I have controlled some of the circumstances that limited me in the past.  I have also figured out my nutrition and feel better than ever with what I have been doing.

I have no injuries.  I feel fantastic.

Most importantly.....I believe.  I know where I am at, and I believe that this year I can make it to the Home Depot Center.  No workout or stacked region will intimidate me.  I am ready.

All I can control is ME.  I don't have control over how the other bad-ass girls in my region do this weekend.  I can't control where MY best efforts put me at the end of the 6 events.  But I believe if I do what I am capable of...the outcome will be what I have been working toward for 4 YEARS!!!

I have given and sacrificed A LOT for this, and I won't downplay that just to protect myself in case it doesn't go my way.  That is cowardly.  

 I am NOT AFRAID.  I am not afraid to say that I don't have ANY EXCUSES and that I WANT THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING.  And I will do EVERYTHING I can to make it happen.

No matter what happens....NO REGRETS!!!